Reflection

Photo by Valerie Morignat
The mirror never did quite offer the reflection she’d hoped for. No matter how far or close she stood. The fog from her breath offered little recognition to the frigid cold that had seeped in while she remained unaware of the change in her surroundings. To her, it was still spring, the freedom of the fresh warmth that allowed her to run without shoes. And the smiles weren’t stagnant or created from some bit of strength she now somehow always managed to find. The wind was at her favor and breathed with her. The sun embraced her face. And then she blinked. Grey. Cold. Winter had stolen her vision and muscle memory and she remained frozen in thought and unable to break from the sight of what was for what should be. Vines had tethered her feet where she’d stood too long. The veil remained tight and the reigns unnoticed until blisters had finally formed. And her hands where white from holding too tightly to what had been gone for far too long. 
Wake up, girl. 

To this beautiful space that you no longer need to occupy from habit. That your soul can release to its own recognizance and not to that which is deemed necessary by those who scream louder. Souls can be saved without the loss of your own, and the struggle to win will seem softer when the blisters no longer burn. There is freedom in words yet to be spoken, and healing in those that flew too easily from the lips of winter. Where Acceptance isn’t always weakness and forgiveness isn’t always acceptance. But the balance will always offer solace regardless of intention. It is not necessary to understand, and explanations are not required beyond your own urgency. Just stay. In your own foundation. Create your own establishment in a freedom that refuses to be corrupted by winter. Love with the inferno that blinds all who are incapable of understanding such. And apologize only for the wrongs you have done, and not those who have dismissed your pleads for approval. The fog from your breath proves only the life that you breathe. The fire from within that breaks through the frigid cage. The freedom remains, as it always has, behind your own eyes.

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About the poem:

I wrote this right after I finally got the courage to say enough. I asked for a divorce of my husband (winter) of 13 years. I finally opened my eyes enough to the reality and dropped the mask I clung to of normalcy and happiness.  The “Facebook” life.  I kept my focus so positive and upbeat and lived the lie of “I’m fine” for so long I didn’t realize just how bad it had gotten. Just how far away from where I pretended to be we actually were. And it was a shocking revaluation. Even though it should have been obvious. 

Souls can be saved without the loss of your own, and the struggle to win will seem softer when the blisters no longer burn. 

This was in reference to my kids mainly. The reason I stayed for as long as I did. I was convinced (by my then husband) that I would ruin the kids and the guilt was referred to as the blisters of the reins he held on me. I knew then that once I could let go of the guilt, I’d be able to raise my children to know this wasn’t ok. To be strong. To understand love as the beautiful thing it was meant to be. And I didn’t have to die in his presence to do that. In fact, I needed to get out of that relationship to do so. 

Love with the inferno that blinds all who are incapable of understanding such. And apologize only for the wrongs you have done, and not those who have dismissed your pleads for approval.

This was a big one for me. I’ve ALWAYS been worried about what others think. Their perception of me. And felt the need to explain everything I did. Ever choice I made needed validated reasons. And I’d apologize. For everything. Even when it wasn’t mine. In this moment, I gave myself permission to NOT explain my choices. To NOT apologize for things I hadn’t done. And to stop chasing approval of those who wished to condemn me regardless.